Why I'm Suddenly Afraid of an Apocalypse, Among Other Things

What am I doing up at 5 in the morning on a Saturday?

There are a lot of funny things I could say about being a parent, but the truth is that I couldn't get back to sleep because of worrying.

It's like there's a magical screen that blocks your view of all of the terrible things that could happen, and when you become a parent that screen is lifted away so that you can proceed to worry about all of the terrible things in the world and how they'll affect your baby. Some of them are real and some ridiculous, but you worry about all of them.

Yes, the constant fear can be draining (especially in the first few months; after a while you get used to it) but it's probably an evolutionary thing. Or it might be because I read too much and take things too seriously.

Some of the things I have worried/worry about:
1) For the first year of life I was in constant fear that Eme would stop breathing while she slept.
2) I'm always worried that something is going to fall on her head, but now that she's old enough to be the one pulling things down on her head I'm also worried that she's going to break things
3) The first few times I took her out in the stroller (when she was just a tiny little frail thing), I was afraid that a random car would jump the curb and hit us, and I even worked out a plan (it involved me pushing her stroller out of the way and taking the full force of the car myself) for if I ever saw that particular disaster coming
4) I worry about what we feed her -- I don't want to feed her anything unhealthy, and that's no easy task because everyone and their mother has a theory on what is healthy or not
5) I'm afraid that by the time she grows up the combination of disease and financial collapse will have caused an apocalypse and that she is not going to be able to live in comfort but will instead have to survive in a Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome-type world. (I don't think about this one a lot, but it has crossed my mind.)
6) I worry that kids are going to pinch her at the library (but as you know, my fears on this one come from a strong foundation)
7) I'm pretty sure she's going to turn out to be bossy (she's already reminding me of Lucy from Peanuts, and she can't even talk yet)
8) I think more about money now than I ever did before -- how will we pay for her braces, trips abroad, college?
9) I don't think I was ever really afraid of dying before (not that I thought much about it, but just that if I did, I've lived a good life and have people who would care that I was gone), but now I am constantly afraid that something will happen to Andreas and I and Eme will be an orphan. I know there are plenty of people who would take care of her, but who knows what kinds of junk they'd feed her?
10) I worry that coyotes, which have never bothered me before, will all of a sudden decide to show up at my house and make off with my baby, or a tiger from the zoo will break free and Eme will be snatched up in the resulting melee
11) Now I'm starting to worry that if I don't stop writing soon it's going to cause me to think up more things to be afraid of

I rationally know that, from an evolutionary standpoint, a healthy dose of fear keeps us alive. From the standpoint of someone who has just been given the best thing they've ever had, I can't keep myself from waiting for the rug to be pulled out.

Life is now that much more vivid. The fear I feel is stronger than ever because I have more to lose. But the joy I feel is also stronger because there is more to live for and be thankful for.

It's a tricky load to carry as a parent, the fear and the joy, and the constant hoping. One that I didn't understand or appreciate until becoming a parent. One that I never realized my parents were probably going through as my siblings and I grew up (thanks, mom and dad). One that I'm looking forward to learning to balance as Eme and Andreas and I grow as a family.

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