Up all night. Again. But not for the reason you think...

Did I really only post once in December? Really? Just the once?

I blame The Holidays. And the funeral.

Anyway, I'm back. ish.

One of the reasons I haven't had time for my fun writing is because I've had a lot of freelance work coming in. When there's only so much time available in the day, the things that pay me (yay!) and have deadlines (boo) have to come first.

That's actually the subject of this post: deadlines. Or, really, deadlines and children. Or, reeeeaaaaally, deadlines and Eme. And being her mommy.

Ever since I made the choice not to go back to work full time, I have been trying to be a great stay-at-home mom. I spend my days eating pretend food, becoming a horse who runs and bounces her toddler jockey, and naming everything by its shape and color ("look at that orange ball!" "is that a blue triangle?"). I've also learned a bunch of different versions of the alphabet song.

Eme is getting old enough now that she doesn't need me every single minute she's awake any more. She'll spend 10 minutes at a time playing by herself when I cook or clean something. But the amount of time she's willing to play on her own is still little enough that I can't get a reasonable part of a project done during that time. Thus, I do all of my work during her naptimes.

Make that "most." I do most of my work during her naptimes. There are days when I've got too much to do to complete it during the two hours she naps. Of course, this is a good thing -- it means I'm getting a lot of work -- but when else can I possibly get it done? Thanks for asking.

I have found myself up until midnight, one, two in the morning a few times, trying to get everything done before deadline. A funny feeling comes over me when I'm up at two in the morning, working on a project that makes me feel worthwhile, and I know my baby is sleeping and won't need me.

It's the closest I've felt to the way I used to be before having a baby. That's an imperfect way to describe it, but it's a feeling of being good at something and having the time and freedom to do it. It's my time to be me, before the sweet weight of the responsibility for another person settles back on me and I have to be a mommy again.

It's amazing how those few free hours, even though I'm working hard for someone else, allow me to feel like me. And I think they make me a better mommy in the morning, because I've had time to be something other than a mommy. It's as if the comparison allows me to remember how much I enjoy being a chef/horse/object-namer.

So we'll see how the new year goes. Maybe I can find those few hours on my own, even when I don't have a pressing deadline. Maybe I can use them to write in my blog more often...or just to think about who I am and who I want to be.

...

Accidental Housewifery

I was taking my third sheet of cookies out of the oven earlier today when it hit me: "since when do I bake cookies?"

I have been saying lately that if I'm going to be a housewife, I may as well do it right. This is tongue-in-cheek, of course -- a way to explain my sudden desire to learn to make casseroles, bake cookies, put together Ikea furniture, vacuum, etc. The truth is, I have more (and less) time on my hands than I have ever had before, and I'm not sure how to organize myself.

Until my company decided that they no longer needed any of the people to continue doing my job function at my level at the end of last year, I was planning on continuing to work full-time. I was lucky enough to telecommute, so I could have someone (usually Grandpa Guy) come in to watch Eme during the day, and I could break away to nurse her as needed (sometimes during a conference call, but who else would know anyway?).

When my company tried to retain me as a full time employee by offering me different positions -- none of which were particularly good fits for various reasons, and all of which would have taken me outside of the house to work -- I thought "I can do better than this," and took the severance. This took much soul-searching as Andreas and I had just bought the new house a couple of months earlier, thinking we'd have both of our salaries to pay for it. I began to search for a job.

Combing the job boards, I realized that I probably could not find a position that would allow me to work from home full-time. I had been "spoiled" by my last job. I didn't want to give up seeing Eme during the day. What could I do?

The solution, simple and elegant, and not at all what I thought I'd be doing, was to not go back to full-time work. I took up freelancing -- writing, editing, proofreading, teaching -- all things I'd considered, but never had the desire to try given my steady income. Now, I wonder every day whether I'm going to have enough work to pay the bills. I wonder whether I should have given up so soon on looking for full-time work.

I'm also conflicted about being a person who "stays at home." I never wanted to be a "stay at home mom," or a "housewife." There's nothing wrong with either of those titles, but they are things that I don't associate with my view of me. And yet here I find myself, with no time for commuting to work, but lots of time to learn how to make casseroles, and the desire to clean and organize the house.

(To be clear about how strange this is for me, Andreas has always been the cook in our relationship. He still does a lot of cooking, but I have taken over a good bit of it too. I'd feel like I wasn't pulling my weight, like taking care of Eme, though full-time, wasn't enough. I had to replace all of the conference calls that I'm now missing with something, and it's a strange feeling to not have finite tasks to do, so I created myself some tasks.)

My biggest argument against going back full-time is that I can't imagine giving up seeing Eme every day. I have become addicted to viewing the world through her eyes. I am amazed by the things she picks up from listening to and watching me. And I love knowing that I am the most important person in her world. (Sometimes this is very inconvenient, as it means she sometimes won't behave when someone is watching her who isn't me, but it's still a good feeling to know that I am her comforter, her role-model, her superhero, her mommy. Also, I think it's true for mommies that aren't home full-time that they are still the most important person in their babies' worlds, but it only lasts for so long, so I'm making the most of it.)

Some days I think that if my old company were able to find me a position full-time that would allow me to telecommute, I would take them up on it just to have the steady work. Other days I think that if I can make it doing freelance work (meaning I can do my work after Eme is asleep and therefore spend the maximum time with her) then why would I ever give that up?

I don't know how my year will go -- whether I'll make enough money to stay home, whether I'll even be able to get a full-time job if I can't make enough -- and not knowing scares me. But I hope to discover that it was not a mistake to take the chance of not working full-time.

Either way, this invaluable time I have been spending with Eme will stay with me for the rest of my life. If it is a mistake, my time as a stay-at-home mom will still be one of the best things I've ever done.

...