Up all night. Again. But not for the reason you think...

Did I really only post once in December? Really? Just the once?

I blame The Holidays. And the funeral.

Anyway, I'm back. ish.

One of the reasons I haven't had time for my fun writing is because I've had a lot of freelance work coming in. When there's only so much time available in the day, the things that pay me (yay!) and have deadlines (boo) have to come first.

That's actually the subject of this post: deadlines. Or, really, deadlines and children. Or, reeeeaaaaally, deadlines and Eme. And being her mommy.

Ever since I made the choice not to go back to work full time, I have been trying to be a great stay-at-home mom. I spend my days eating pretend food, becoming a horse who runs and bounces her toddler jockey, and naming everything by its shape and color ("look at that orange ball!" "is that a blue triangle?"). I've also learned a bunch of different versions of the alphabet song.

Eme is getting old enough now that she doesn't need me every single minute she's awake any more. She'll spend 10 minutes at a time playing by herself when I cook or clean something. But the amount of time she's willing to play on her own is still little enough that I can't get a reasonable part of a project done during that time. Thus, I do all of my work during her naptimes.

Make that "most." I do most of my work during her naptimes. There are days when I've got too much to do to complete it during the two hours she naps. Of course, this is a good thing -- it means I'm getting a lot of work -- but when else can I possibly get it done? Thanks for asking.

I have found myself up until midnight, one, two in the morning a few times, trying to get everything done before deadline. A funny feeling comes over me when I'm up at two in the morning, working on a project that makes me feel worthwhile, and I know my baby is sleeping and won't need me.

It's the closest I've felt to the way I used to be before having a baby. That's an imperfect way to describe it, but it's a feeling of being good at something and having the time and freedom to do it. It's my time to be me, before the sweet weight of the responsibility for another person settles back on me and I have to be a mommy again.

It's amazing how those few free hours, even though I'm working hard for someone else, allow me to feel like me. And I think they make me a better mommy in the morning, because I've had time to be something other than a mommy. It's as if the comparison allows me to remember how much I enjoy being a chef/horse/object-namer.

So we'll see how the new year goes. Maybe I can find those few hours on my own, even when I don't have a pressing deadline. Maybe I can use them to write in my blog more often...or just to think about who I am and who I want to be.

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