(Jen at Sprite's Keeper has made this week's Spin about parental confessions, so here's mine:)
I am a "comparer." I compare my child to other children.
Before you say so, I realize that this is not healthy. I try not to do it out loud because I don't want my daughter to learn to do it (because it wouldn't be healthy for her either).
I am a competitive person, and I'm often more judgmental of other people than makes sense in any given situation. Long story short, if I meet your baby, hear about your baby, or read about your baby, I am probably going to compare your baby to mine.
Yes, I'd say Eme is cuter than the Brangelina twins. She certainly has better manners than many of the kids at the library. She's also stronger than many of the kids we meet on the playground. Oops, is that my parental bias talking?
I think everyone does it now and then, and it's not always a bad thing. Sometimes I use other children as benchmarks to determine where Eme should be by a certain age. Other times I learn something from one of her contemporaries that I can try to teach her so that she will have learned it by the given age.
Sometimes it is a bad thing. Sometimes I'm thinking "Eme is so much nicer than that baby," or "Eme knows a lot more words than that baby." It's not meant to be a slight on another child so much as it is meant to make me feel like my baby is the best one.
The dumb part is that I will always, in every circumstance, think my baby is the best one, just as your baby will always be the best baby you've ever met.
As you see, I realize that my comparisons are unnecessary, unjust, and exceptionally biased. The most I can hope for myself is that I manage to keep my opinions inside so I don't alienate those people whose support I'll need on the days when my baby is the one who is not behaving.
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No worries, Jae. You'll be able to see the flaws (and all kids have them) soon enough. I was just like you. Sprite is the youngest of a group of 4 kids, all ages apart by 3 weeks at the most. I have compared her to the others in this group so many times, she was the last to get potty training down, she was the first to sing whole songs, she was somewhere in the middle on walking. We compared all the time until personalities really came forward (around age 2) and our kids weren't doing things not because they couldn't, but because they didn't want to. Sure, I still compare, less than I did, but I am competitive enough to admit I do. :-)
ReplyDeleteYou're linked! (And I bet there's other moms out there who are even more competitive than you. I'm right, I know I'm right.) (Shut UP, Jen.)
I compare Leo to the other kids at daycare and it kills me that the little girl in his class born 2 months later is already potty-trained. But he colors in the lines so much better than she does! :)
ReplyDeleteIt is natural to do comparisons, what do you think all the testing is school are about - comparison. When you take your little one to the Dr for a check-up, it's a comparison to all the kids that have gone thru before...to see if she is growing up as great as she can be. If she is ever on any sports team, it will be much worse. Don't worry about the comparison, just don't voice it to the child or parent you are comparing her to.
ReplyDeleteI have moms that are always fretting that their child doesn't measure up to the other children. The comparison goes the other direction too. What happens when your child is the one that seems out of control, is too needy, or misbehaves. These moms are insecure about their child-rearing abilities. Not only are they comparing their children, but are afraid they too are being judged as moms.
ReplyDeleteI promise to support you when your baby isn't behaving... and compare her to my kids all you want, she speaks english rather than meows, she can color, the only thing they still have her on is potty training :)
ReplyDeleteI think we all do that comparison thing, competitive or not. :) Great spin! :)
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to know I'm not the only one. Thanks, everyone. :)
ReplyDelete